YOU HAVE OCD? SO, YOU MUST WASH YOUR HANDS A LOT?

For the last eight years, I have battled with a handful of mental illnesses; one of them being OCD. Yep, that’s right, that thing called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

‘You must be extremely clean? You must wash your hands a lot? You must be extremely organised?’ Yeah… Not quite.

According to Mind, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is described as an ‘anxiety disorder. The condition has two main parts: obsessions and compulsions.’ These are a few things that we instantly presume that everyone with OCD experiences. Of course, we may experience this but there are other symptoms too.

Obsessions

These are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges or doubts that make repeated appearances in your mind. Commonly, this could be thinking that you’ve been contaminated, or having the thought that if you were not to do something, it could result in failure to prevent harm to yourself or someone else. Anxiety is caused by these obsessions, which can become quite frightening.

Compulsions

These are the actions that you feel you have to repeatedly do. This could be, for example, repeatedly flicking on and off a switch or checking windows and doors to ensure they are locked. A compulsion is put in place to try and deal with the distress that is caused by the obsessive thoughts in your mind.

I struggle incredibly with the desperation of everything being in order, organised and symmetry is a massive deal. I’ll admit that the fear of contamination exists within my symptoms but it’s very low down on the scale. Further up is the irrational thoughts of myself being harmed, others being harmed, or myself harming others.

I’ve always been a creative individual, and I would constantly become frustrated if my artwork wasn’t symmetrical, or perfect. I would always use to put this as the fact that I had an artistic eye. That was until I was officially diagnosed with having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, just over a year ago.

To give you all an example of the extent I struggle with this disorder, I once had to be sent home from college because I had a panic attack over a plug socket which was switched on, with nothing in it. I panicked because I couldn’t get access to it to turn it off. The panic was briefly relieved when I got home, where I knew I could touch appliances to my heart's content. 

More recently, I have been suffering with the fears and thoughts of leaving my own flat. I have cancelled on many friends and plans because I have just not had the strength to go out. I would convince myself that if I left my flat, I would get hurt. Maybe even killed. I would tell myself that this is the last time I'd ever experience life and I didn't want that. So, I would cancel and remain indoors, where I knew nothing would happen to me. 

I go through these little things every single day.

I came to realise my thoughts were irrational, but that did not lessen the impulse to relieve the acute anxiety by performing compulsive behaviours. Attempting to resist the compulsions brought me a great deal of anxiety. It answered a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately, I never stepped out and found help for it. I actually only became officially diagnosed with it because I was already receiving treatment for moderate depression and severe anxiety and my psychiatrist stumbled upon the symptoms.

However, mental illness is a taboo subject. I worry that people will not believe me if I was to tell them I have OCD because they would only believe I have it if they were to see me washing my hands constantly, or keeping my things extremely tidy. My OCD is hidden in my head and leaves me with this crippling anxiety so that I can’t function properly. The fact that it requires a huge explanation frustrates me. I have to explain the condition first, that it is about obsessing and compulsions, not that it is about tidiness, then move on to how it is for me.

I’m writing this because I think the more people speak out and support each other, the easier it may become. Also, I want people to understand that the symptoms of OCD vary depending on the individual. It’s important that people understand that it stands for “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” and not “Obsessive Cleaning Disorder”.

Now? I seem to have it under control. That does not mean I'm better. I still struggle with this every single day but I have ways of, most of the time, getting around it. But I'm doing it on my own and I should be proud of how I'm doing. 

If you are struggling with OCD or any other mental illnesses, please consider seeking help. I wish I had found help earlier than I did, just to have the answers to why I was feeling the way I felt and thinking the way I thought. 

You are never alone. 

Much love, 

Becca x